For thousands of years, people have dimly suspected that exposure to the natural world might be good for them. But now Freddy McFrog, Professor of Behaviour Management at the University of North Uxbridge, has carried out a study which proves it.

A randomised sample of 374 adult humans was divided into two groups, ‘Walkers’ and ‘Pill-Takers’. The endorphin levels of each group were measured before, during and after either a walk in the countryside or a dose of anti-depressants. While the average endorphin levels of both groups were similar at the start of the experiment, they increased noticeably in the Walkers while they were out in the local nature reserve, and dropped slightly in the Pill-Takers immediately upon consumption of their medicine.

Staggeringly, three hours later, the Walkers’ endorphin levels remained high, while those of the Pill-Takers had fallen further. According to the report, some of the Pill-Takers even demanded more pills, ‘in the misguided belief that this would reverse the effects of the first dose.’

The results of the experiment show that, even in the twenty-first century, nature is still a more efficacious drug than pharmacological nurture. ‘This is a stunning discovery,’ said McFrog. ‘It seems that science has yet to reproduce the benefits that can be gained by simply heading to the nearest green space. It certainly gives us a new target to aim for.’ 

The project, involving a team of fifty researchers, was funded by WeMindU, an international health and technology conglomerate where McFrog is a consultant. The report has now been published in the leading science journal, Knowledge.

‘Previously, the idea that strolling up hill and down dale might make you happy was a truth that people had merely intuited by observation and reflection,’ said McFrog. ‘Now it has been established by science and become a fact.’  

When asked what the difference was between truth and facts, he replied, ‘Truth is a layman’s concept. It’s what we call “subjective” – it’s just your opinion. But facts are science: they have been checked by scientists. You can’t argue with facts.’ 

But what would happen if another scientist were to dispute those facts? McFrog’s reply was blunt. ‘Then he would be wrong, dangerously wrong. At best a useful idiot, playing into the hands of right-wing libertarian fascists. We would not publish him in any peer-reviewed journals. And of course he would be erased from the internet.’

Based on the results of McFrog’s study, WeMindU is now producing an app, TreesPlease, to continuously monitor its user’s endorphin levels. If it detects they are lower than average, it will automatically switch into ‘nature’ mode, with options like flowers, birdsong, and trees rustling gently in the breeze.

‘TreesPlease will be the perfect solution for those who are unable or unwilling to leave their homes,’ said Taylor Sunshine, a WeMindU marketing specialist, ‘or for those living in human-heavy areas where nature has been eliminated.’

The app costs £0.99 to purchase, but will be pre-installed on all new operating systems by regulations made under the Pandemic Act 2020. ‘The benefits of this technology will be enormous,’ said Doreen Norbert, Minister for Science and Religion. ‘At the cost of a mere £100 million to the taxpayer, it’s a bargain.’

‘We anticipate that the app will succeed where drugs have failed,’ said McFrog, who is on the government’s WISE committee. ‘It will optimise people’s mental health. And make it much easier to lock them down next time we need to.’

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After years of trauma, a Cannibal has finally broken his silence about the discrimination that he and other members of his community continue to face from wider society. ‘Those who say Cannibalism is barbaric or disgusting should realise that some of us find this deeply offensive,’ says Don Scrumptious, President of the Cannibal Association of Britain (CAB), which advertised on social media for the first time last month. ‘They may think they are just criticising an idea, but words can hurt too.’

The origins of the practice are obscure. Herodotus records the existence of ‘human-eaters’ in the fifth century BC. The ‘Cannibals that each other eat’ are also mentioned by Shakespeare, although the blatantly colonial implications of his narrative obviously undermine its reliability.

Today Cannibalism still thrives in many parts of the world. The total number of adherents is estimated at 50,000, although it is difficult to state this with any certainty, because the practice, known scientifically as Anthropophagy, is illegal in most countries. This has prompted some Anthropophages to fear for their safety.

‘Every morning I wonder if the police are going to come knocking,’ says Lulu Yummy, Vice Chair of the Shetland Cannibals’ Collective. ‘I’ve definitely been given some strange looks. People have crossed the street to avoid me – and it can’t have been due to Covid, as I wear two masks and am quadruple-vaccinated. What sort of an existence is that?’

For Yummy and her fellows, however, things may be looking up: their movement is starting to gain traction among ordinary people and the famous alike. Celebrity converts to Cannibalism include W––, a children’s author, X––, a Hollywood actor, and Y––, the CEO of Z–– Inc, an international pet food conglomerate [we don’t have the budget for this – Ed.].

‘It’s about communication,’ says Scrumptious. ‘In the past our message may have been associated with a lack of sophistication. Today, however, people are starting to realise that the human body is not only a temple of the spirit but can also be – or could if it were legal – the source of the highest gustatory pleasures.’

Yummy agrees: ‘Anyone can become a Cannibal. We’ve received a bad press, but we’re actually very tolerant. It’s a question of shared values, beliefs, and eating habits. Our methods of ritual slaughter are both hygienic and humane.’

Daisy Munch, MP for St Kilda, self-identifies as a Cannibal, though there is no evidence she has ever eaten anyone [it’s illegal – Ed.]. She is now calling for greater safeguards under the law, including legalisation, a ban on hate speech against Cannibals, making Anthropophagy a ‘protected characteristic’ under the Equality Act, and charitable status for the CAB.

Speaking on behalf of the worldwide Cannibal community, Munch said, ‘Anthropophagy is a serious, cogent and important belief that is worthy of respect in a democracy, just like Scientology or Druidism. In our multicultural society, it’s a disgrace that the consensual eating of one human being by another should still be a crime.’

But some Cannibals have accused her of not taking minority views into account. ‘I stopped eating people as an adult upon reaching the age of criminal responsibility [!! – Ed.],’ says Ron Tidbit, ‘after a close friend of mine was pressured into becoming breakfast. I may still be a cultural Cannibal, but I’ve been shunned by my family because I won’t take meals with them any more. Munch doesn’t speak for me.’

Others have raised ethical objections. ‘The question of whether Anthropophagic practices are morally permissible even with the agreement of all parties is one with which the community needs to engage further,’ says John Eaterson, Professor of Niche Studies at the University of Rockall. ‘Some would argue that it’s simply bad taste.’

According to Tidbit, non-practising Cannibals routinely suffer abuse at the hands of their believing fellows. ‘They call us apost-Ates,’ he said. ‘And worse. Some of us have even been – non-consensually – eaten.’

But Munch said these allegations were Anthropophagophobic. ‘There is absolutely no evidence that anyone has been eaten without their full and free consent,’ she said, ‘certainly not in modern times. To say otherwise is no better than racism.’

‘We’re kind, friendly and considerate,’ Scrumptious insists. ‘All we want to do is practise our Anthropophagy in peace, or better still, in bite-sized chunks. But don’t just take my word for it. Come round for dinner.’ 

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Nearly 2,000 years ago, Earth time, a bearded vagrant calling himself Jesus of Nazareth led some peaceful protests against social inequality, offended religious sensibilities, and ended up being crucified by the Roman Imperial administration.

So far, so first-century. A fringe collective known as the “Disciples” have always claimed that Jesus, a.k.a. Christ, a.k.a. the “Son of God”, “descended into Hell” after his crucifixion, “rose again from the dead” two days later, and ended up “sitting on the right hand of God, the Father Almighty.” But without actual evidence for Hell, God, or the afterlife, these claims have always been controversial.

“The crucifixion bit I get,” said Thomas (1,982) from Essex, a former colleague. “They’ve found splinters of wood from the cross, patches from the shroud, bones, hair, whatever. That’s hard evidence. Shit, His mortal remains are all over Europe. But descending into hell and then ascending into heaven? Sounds like science fiction to me.”

Mary (2,045) from Bethesda, who claimed to be Mr Christ’s estranged mother, questioned His bona fides. “It’s not like heaven’s nearby – at least for most of us. You’d need a pretty advanced rocket. And where would He be getting that kind of money? Not from me, I can tell you.”

The Freethinker can now disclose the truth behind the legend. All was revealed in an exclusive interview with the S.O.G. Himself, who descended in a silver spaceship onto the plains of Jerusalem, Alabama, where your correspondent caught up with Him.

Christ (stepping out of his spaceship in a blaze of glory): Hello. I’m the Son of God.

Freethinker: Christ! (Thinking quickly) Do you have time for an interview?

Christ: Verily I say unto you: yes.

Freethinker: Wow! Um, so, first of all, did it really happen? The descending into hell – the rising up again?

Christ: Do you know something, you’re the first person who has asked me that in nearly 2,000 years? On this planet, anyway.

Freethinker: But did it really happen?

Christ: Yes, of course…in a sense.

Freethinker: ‘In a sense’?

Christ: Depending on your interpretation.

Freethinker: OK…What do you mean by ‘on this planet’?

Christ: You might think it was a minor detail, and trillions of my followers would agree with you, yet nonetheless, from aeon to aeon, a few sceptics do occasionally ask me how I fit it all in – the birth, preaching, melodramatic death, etc. – on the quadrillions of planets across the universe with life forms that are sufficiently advanced to appreciate me. The answer is good time and space management. And a diary in eleven dimensions.

Freethinker: Woah – hang on – stop the bus. You mean to say you have been crucified on other planets too?

Christ: Well, naturally.

Freethinker: But why?

Christ: Earth has only a very small share of my followers, you know.

Freethinker: How small, exactly?

Christ: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Freethinker: Sorry?

Christ: Infinitesimal.

Freethinker: So you really have been incarnated, repeatedly, as an alien?

Christ: Now, now, my dear chap, ‘alien’ is a relative term.

Freethinker: But why?

Christ: Extensive research by my highly qualified team of archangels has shown that, time and again, audiences of all permutations of life-capable matter respond positively to the crucifixion story. It has been shown to be by far the most effective way of getting my message across. The personal touch. The highs, the lows – reversals of fortune, triumph over disaster. From Andromeda to Virgo, everyone loves a story about cheating death. Even if they can’t do it, they like to believe it’s possible.

Freethinker: What is your message, then?

Christ: And ‘crucify’ is only your Earth-word for it. I would say that, more broadly, what appeals to audiences across the universe is some tale of highly individual, graphic suffering, which a few of them can bear witness to and then fabricate outlandish mythologies around, by which future generations can justify oppressive power structures, or indulge in sadomasochism.

Freethinker: Wouldn’t it have been easier, or at least less painful, if you had chosen one planet to conduct your self-immolation on, for the sake of all life forms everywhere?

Christ: Maybe, but it wouldn’t have been fair on the others. Besides, I’ve got to find something to do with myself. Dad is getting old, and heaven hasn’t been the same since we expelled Lucifer.

Freethinker: On that topic, your followers here claim that your Father so loved the world that He offered you up to die for our sins. Did He love all aliens–diverse life forms this much, all round the universe?

Christ: Yes, that’s one explanation that I’ve heard a lot. But those who say that, blind mortals that they are, have missed the obvious point.

Freethinker: Which is?

Christ: It’s not about me or dad loving them. It’s about them loving us. Or me. We created the universe. We want some credit.

Freethinker: You’re so desperate for fame that you were prepared to die in agony for it – gazillions of times over?

Christ: It wasn’t that bad, really…

Freethinker: It wasn’t?

Christ: Well, it was, of course, relative to the life forms in question, but when you’re omnipotent, you have a different perspective.

Freethinker: Did you ever feel like a charlatan? A fraudster? A fake? Isn’t it all just a conjuring trick – playing smoke and mirrors with the space-time continuum?

Christ: No, thou blasphemer, it is not. Each incarnation and crucifixion is the real deal. And don’t you dare print otherwise, or my dad will get you with his thunderbolt.

Freethinker: So why here, now? On Earth, I mean. You’ve returned. Is this the second coming?

Christ: Absolutely, and I’ve brought the four horsemen of the apocalypse with me in the luggage compartment… Seriously, though, my following has been in decline on this planet in recent centuries. Not that it matters on the scale of the universe, given your diminutive numbers. But then again, on the scale of the universe, what does matter? Me, I guess. So here I am. Fitting in a quick interview before a lunch date in Alpha Centauri. (Pushes back his voluminous sleeve to reveal what appears to be an extremely expensive watch.)

Freethinker (hastily): Mr Christ, it’s been a pleasure, but I’m already late with my filing deadline.

Christ: No worries, Creature of a Day.

Freethinker: Where can I contact you if I need further information?

Christ: You might try prayer.

Freethinker: Oh. I never thought of that. Does it work?

(But Christ is already back in his spaceship, which with a roar zooms up through the atmosphere and out of sight.)

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